A few weeks ago, homesickness hit me so hard as if to be slammed by a brick wall. I do not mean homesickness as in simply “Oh, I miss home..” I mean that for about two weeks I would wake up nauseous, because I missed my family so much. I even had a specific wake-up alarm song from a show I would watch with my brother, and sometimes I would listen to it for the heck of it because it brought back such great memories.
I found it to be strange that homesickness would hit me so hard much later than when I arrived to BSSM. I had missed my family a lot, but I certainly had not felt so sick as a result. Instead in being surrounded by such wonderful community, building new beautiful relationships, I was comforted and joyful to be here. I prayed and inquired of God, wondering why at what seemed such an odd time it would hit me this hard?
I began to realize that even though I have made great connections here and formed strong community, I am not nearly as close to anyone as I am with my family I grew up with. I do not have a history with anyone here like I do with my parents and siblings. Life circumstances dictated we were around each other almost all of the time up until I came here, talking about anything and everything, always being there for each other even in the midst of dislike and hurt. I realized that is truly a gift that we got to bond so close together, because most families nowadays do not get that chance.
I then realized what hit my heart was finally beginning to process through my head. My heart was reconciling the fact that I have made connections and memories here that I may never get to have with my parents and siblings. It was feeling the weight of the reality that when I do go back home, things will never be the same.
I knew it all deep down before coming, and had already realized the weight of coming to this school. This time around, it surfaced, and I had to remind myself by telling God “I remember my yes! I gave you ALL of it. No matter the cost!” realizing yet again that part of that cost is that I do not get to be with my family all of the time.
I have never regretted my decision because God is worth it. He has made this place my home since before I even got here! He has placed me here to learn things that my home needs. I want Heaven on Earth, and how else do you do that without learning how to cultivate and sustain a Kingdom culture of revival and honour?
Once my heart reconciled all of this, peace came over me. Memories of home did not make me sick with desire to experience them again. Instead, they filled me with peace and joy of remembering the good times, knowing that there will be even better times because of God.
Finally, one day I had been listening to a bunch of nostalgic music on Spotify. After I had turned it off for a bit, some lyrics popped into my head.. “..to the place I belong, West Virginia…” and so the tune came to me.. “Take me home, country roads, to the place I belong…” I was immediately brought back to a simple moment years ago… My BroBro and I sitting in the living room, both in our chairs. It is a quiet evening, so you can hear our chairs squeak as we rock back-and-forth, along with the noise of the cicadas. We converse a bit about what to watch on TV, as it seems there is nothing on, and I am fairly certain I am crocheting. He flips it to a 70’s music advertisement channel, and that song comes on. “I like that song, it’s nice.” he says, and I agree.
With nostalgic tears in my eyes, I looked the song up on Spotify. “Take Me Home, Country Roads” by John Denver, and I cried as I listened to it. It brought me so much joy and peace. I have had it stuck in my head for over a week now.
Even though we give up certain things to walk out our calling with God, I promise you that He will always make it worth it. I promise you that everything you entrust to Him will be multiplied. I cannot imagine what life would be like had I not said “Why not?” to God’s dream of attending BSSM regardless of its logical impossibilities and the sacrifice that I would have to make. I do not have enough space to sum up all of what I have learned thus far, but I know that on this topic it has immensely blessed myself and my family. God has worked in all of us as a result. Me being here is not just for me, it is also for my family, for my city, my state, my country, my world, and that is worth every bit of missing home for just a little while.
It is never a matter of “What will I have to give up?” It is always a matter of “Look at what God will do as a result!”
Soon enough I will have the honour and privilege of taking it all home and letting God multiply this Kingdom cultivated culture of revival and honour!!! 💖