Week of Last Times

This week at BSSM for us First Years was “Transitioning Well” week. It was crazy different as our schedule was all wonky due to not having our usual school building.

It has been so amazing though! Monday was the last party with my Revival Group. We got to go on a boat all together, and from there I got to see a dam I had watched a documentary about. The views were stunning the whole way, bright and sunny, and quality time was great.

Tuesday was the last time my Small Group got together. We had a picnic, and I loved every moment of hearing their excitement about life after First Year.

Yesterday was not a “last time”, however we did have school, specifically the transitioning well class. They talked about laughing at lies, feeding on wholesome spiritual food instead of “fast food” for the summer, going low and asking whatever church we are going back to permission to serve how they need, or even simply just showing up to church, keeping good community around us, making sure we are intentional in staying connected with people who can keep us accountable, developing our history with God, and just overall putting to practice all the tools we have been handed so that we can come back to Second Year with more than we left First Year with.

Today was my last city service, and although I was so sleepy I enjoyed every moment of being with my team. They made waking up early every Thursday to go out and get stretched and bless the city totally worth it.

Today was also my core group’s last time of meeting. I loved every moment of sitting and spending time with them.

Although it is sad to think I will not get to be around all these amazing people like this again, it is so exciting to see how much we have all grown, and where we are all going, and how much we are all going to thrive!

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About Some Worth

About to get vulnerable in here..

One of the things I have struggled with these past few years is the fact no man has ever pursued me.

For all of you who might be saying I am too young for this: yes, I am aware that I am 20. Chill out. Read on.

Now, bear in mind, I was adamant as a teen that I would not be dating for the heck of it. My heart has always been intentional, especially with the fact that dating is meant to be a way for a man and woman to get to know each other and see if they want to get married.

Onward…

It has always been a strange feeling, seeing other women being wholeheartedly pursued, even by men they are not interested in at all. I have always wondered why I have not been pursued, and I have questioned if there is something wrong with me.

I got to a place where I learned I did not have to wait for a man to come up to me in order for anything to happen. I learned it is not bad, improper, or illegal for a woman to ask a man out. So, I took a couple risks in asking a couple men out for coffee. Note: I did not ask them both around the same time. Just gonna make that clear for you..

It was neat to receive breakthrough in stepping out, taking a risk, and having that boldness. However, in my dialogue with God, I began to realize that if I keep asking guys out, it will come from a place of “Oh, I have to do this, because if I do not, no one will ever pursue me. ” What a lie that is.

I continued asking God questions about it all, and started identifying things like the fact I desire a gentleman, someone who is chivalrous, but also very playful, bold, and fiery for God. Someone who is willing to be straightforward and ask me out.

God began to show me that those desires are not bad, especially considering I know what it is to be pursued by Him. (Jesus sets an amazing standard here!) He began to show me that I was afraid of having these desires for fear that no one would ever pursue me. I believed I was unworthy. What a lie!

God showed me that the truth is…

I am worthy. I am worthy of His pursuit, and I am especially worthy of being pursued the way that I desire. I am worthy of a gentleman, a chivalrous man, someone who is kind, fiery for God, straightforward and bold, who will pick me up off my feet, be sweet, sarcastic, and weird with me.

I am worthy of a man who will step over all the awkwardness and fear to get to me and say “Hey, I think you’re super cute. Will you go out for coffee with me?” just like I did.

I am worthy of wholehearted pursuit and intentionality.

And if the man cannot do that, he is not the one for me.

-1998girl

A Year Ago

A year ago today I was accepted into my dream school: Bethel School of Supernatural Ministry.

I remember the moment. My brother and I were headed to church, it was my first time leading Throne Room with just my ukulele. All I could think was, “My life will never be the same.” I was ecstatic!

And with no coincidence, “Do It Again” by Elevation Worship plays as I type this out. This became my theme song for the adventure I was embarking on. Financially it was impossible for me to come to this school. Because of the people who had already given me money for this endeavor, I was able to pay off the security deposit that night to secure my place in school, and had a bit left over to put torwards tuition. The rest was paid by the people around me. Over and over again God provided the resources. I am forever thankful to Him and to y’all who have prayed for me and given me money.

Who knew?

Who knew I would get to attend my dream school? Who knew I would get to see legs grow out? Gold dust on my hands? Gold dust clouds above the worship team?

Who knew God would teach me about my worth as people so willingly poured into my life by finances and support?

Who knew I would get to meet so many amazing people and run with them?

Who knew I would get to go on retreat, home for Christmas, and then on my very first missions trip to Canada where I got to bond with some of the most amazing people?

WHO KNEW I would get to grow closer to my Jesus?

WHO KNEW I would get to learn so much, grow so much, see so much, do so much, be so much?

Who knew…that God would want to make some of my deepest dreams come true? That He just wanted to do life with me?

And what do you even do with this? You live. You soak it all in and you live. You keep going, you keep growing, you just do revival life with Jesus and the people He has placed around you.

I always knew God had something amazing for me. What I did not know was just how amazing it would all be. To think it all started with a simple, “Why not?”

There is nothing better than to do life with Him.

So, go! Do life with Him!

-1998girl

“I will not ask ‘Why?!’ anymore..”

Growing in relationship with God means I have grown in love with Him A LOT. This also means I have grown in love for myself as His beautiful daughter, but I have especially grown in love for people.

I love people so much. I honestly just cannot…I dunno…unlove people!

Backstory

My point in saying this is because whilst growing in love for people in the midst of anxiety, I had a lingering anxiety-induced habit of worrying about loving people too much, or simply scaring them away. When I came to BSSM, that was the biggest thing I struggled with. I came in overwhelmed with love for all these peoples, but I was so scared of being overbearing! I had to come to terms with the fact I love people a LOT and I do not have to be afraid of scaring others away.

Once I grasped hold of that, God began to grow me in love even more, so I started asking the question “Ok, I’m no longer afraid of how much I love others and I bring all of myself to the table every time. Now, what does it look like practically for me to bring all of me and love people at appropriate times?”

Always asking Holy Spirit “How do you want me to love them?”; paying attention to love languages; asking to give hugs; recognizing when others are not of physical touch love language; etc. I learned these really basic things!

My point, though, in this blog is to share the most recent revelation.

The recent revelation:

Through a series of circumstances, God has been pouring His Father heart out on me, and just really outlandishly expressing how much He loves me. This has resulted in my heart exploding in love.

Love! Love everywhere!

“MY HEART! 😭💖”

Truly I just have not known what to do with myself other than ask for more and posture my heart to receive.

This question began to arise in me, to a point of shouting in my heart with tears streaming down my face,

“WHY?! WHY ME?! Why would you have someone like me love on these amazing people?… So I began to weep.

“Because I love you and I trust you.” God said. It was a scary moment.

“But what’s so special about me?!” I cried.

“You’re worthy! I’ve deemed you worthy! I made you! YOU’RE MY DAUGHTER, AND I LOVE YOU!

Ok…ok…I receive. I receive your love! I receive, and thank you for this honour of loving people!”

Thanks to processing with my roomie Shaina one day, God showed me I still had an internal battle dialogue of “Why do I love people so much?!” I questioned why, if it was weird, what people may think of me, etc…

The reality God showed me is that my intense, immense, absolute, and complete love for people is His love for people!! Yes, there are appropriate times and ways to express that love so the person may receive all of it, but I do not have to ask why with a negative connotation.

I will not ask “Why?!” anymore. I will only thank God for giving me the honour and privilege of loving every person I encounter with a deep, immense, intense, absolute, and complete love. A fierce love that cannot be shaken, rattled, rolled, or stirred. It is undefeated and undoubted, tried and true. It cannot be undone, because it is a love from the Father’s heart. It is indestructible.

At some point, we actually have to believe that God really loves us. He made us, He deemed us worthy.

-1998girl

Thunderstorms

One thing I never thought I would miss so much about Florida:

Thunderstorms.

You just do not get good storms here in Redding, California. They can say “Heavy rain”, but it is not the same. Perhaps a trickle is the heaviest I have experienced here.

In these seven months, it was only a couple weeks ago I saw lightning for the first time since last summer. It was in that moment of astonishment and excitement that I realized HOW MUCH I actually missed all the midnight experiences with my family in our little trailer, where the roaring thunder caused the house and ground to rumble, with the curtains open, lightning flashing so often we did not have a single light on, and you could see everything outside so clearly.

It is a true testament to how much God has set me free. I used to be so afraid of storms that as soon as I saw the dark clouds rolling in, I would get sick to my stomach, and I would tremble. I remember several times just lying down, shaking in fear. Momma had shared 1st John 4:4 with me at one point in that season, and it did not give me immediate peace.

One day a storm was rolling in and she was asleep, and I crawled in Daddy’s side of the bed, and I shook. I was nauseous, scared, all kinds of thoughts coming at me along the lines of “What if we die?” I felt alone, as if there was no safety. “Greater is He in me than he that is in the world…greater is He in me than he that is in the world…greater is He in me that is in the world…” was the only thing I could think, over, and over, and over again it repeated in my head. I do not recall falling asleep, but at some point, I did.

I awoke to the storm, the trees swirling, lighting flashing, thunder booming. I looked out the window and realized, “I’m not scared anymore! God, I’m not scared anymore!” I stared out that window taking in the storm in all its magnificence. “Wow, God! It’s so beautiful! Thank you!!” I have never looked at storms the same since.

I dwelled on that scripture in the midst of being bombarded by fear, so God took a moment to transform my mindset. I had believed the lies of danger and loneliness, and God took those and exchanged them for the truth. What the enemy was using to scare me, God gave me a love for.

There are two questions here:

What are you dwelling on in the midst of being bombarded by fear?

What scares you?

God wants to perfect His love in you!

-1998girl

Fierce Father’s Love

For about a couple weeks God has been encountering my heart intensely with his fierce fatherly love. It has been crazy radical with a lot of weeping, a lot of tears streaming down my face, a lot of ugly crying, and a lot of me exclaiming everyday “MY HEART! 😭💖”

My prayers have consisted of

“Daddy God, cut my heart! Ravage my heart! Just crash in!! GIVE ME ALL YOU’VE GOT, JUST AS YOU PROMISED! I have to have more of YOU!”

This is violent imagery, because as my heart dwells deeper on what Jesus did for me on the cross, I only desire this violent “I will do ANYTHING to protect, save, and cherish you as my daughter!” type of love right now. I do not know quite how to explain it yet further than that. I just know that I want more of Daddy God. I continue to be bombarded, and tucked into His arms in the tightest embrace that completely knocks me off my balance, but lets me know He has me, and will not let go.

-1998girl

24 Days

Featured Photo

Today, one of our amazing leaders, Mrs. Leslie Crandall, announced there are 24 days left of school.

DUDE.

Most people might be upset, but I am utmost excited!!!

I can barely begin to explain all that I have experienced here. From the birthing of this dream, driving over here, to settling in with all new people, a crazy ongoing financial testimony, experience of God’s love in WILD ways, learning how to express all of who I am, and just this feeling of it is never going to end BECAUSE IT CANNOT.

I might transition to a different city, a different church, but what I have been soaked in is permanent… because it is the RECKLESSLY INTENTIONAL LOVE OF GOD. I get to be this way for all of eternity, going from glory to glory, faith to faith, depth to depth, height to height, because there is ALWAYS MORE.

I have testimonies for the generations, practical wisdom for everyday life, courage to prophesy, freedom to be me, and a greater heart of love.

AND I WANT MORE.

-1998girl

Source of featured photo is Tumblr user alk0n0st!! It is THEIR ART.